23/08/26
i really can't decide if i'm feeling hopeless or hopeful about the future. sometimes i wake up feeling great and wanting to get better - i say i'm gonna go on walks and exercise more, i'm gonna try and do more productive things. in a way, learning how to code for this website has given me a distraction and a purpose. but on bad days, i just want to get worse and worse until i eventually die. or alternatively, deteriorate so much that i just end up institutionalised for the rest of my life. i often fantasise about a public suicide. going to the shops and slitting my throat or arms, wiping my blood on strangers, children. just to show people how much i'm hurting. i guess i just want things to get so bad that it's taken out of my hands. i want to be taken care of and give up all responsibilities. but on the other hand, i don't want to loose my autonomy permanently... wtf do i do? i just feel lost.
my main motivator for getting better is the "what if" scenario of my ex and i getting back together. i like to that one day we'll both have improved our lives so much that we're just perfect for eachother. but if i truly want to get better, i need to want it for myself. it's been established that whenever i enter a relationship, my equivalent of the "honeymoon phase" is the temporary improvement in my mental health. then, i start to notice how weird it feels to not be depressed, so i self-sabotage in an attempt to get back to "the real me." it's happened twice now, in 2 relationships. and both of them lasted exactly one year on the dot. it's like a checkpoint. i need to get better so i can make it past that point.
24/08/26
last night i got an email from aternos saying my old minecraft server would get deleted if i didn't log back in, so i jumped online to check out all the builds my ex and i made together. it was hard, seeing stuff from literally a whole year ago, back when we were so hopeful and in love. i can't make up my mind as to whether i'm over him or not. when we first broke up i bought snapchat+ just to watch myself fall off his best friends list. right now i'm his 7th best friend, which is illustrated by a little icon of Uranus orbiting the sun. how insulting. i feel like that though, like we're so far away, and i will grow colder and my years will grow longer. miss you dude, maybe one day we can work things out.
26/08/26
so the psychiatrist appointment was relatively insightful. my diagnosis is "emotionally unstable personality disorder" AKA borderline personality disorder/BPD. honestly, that's exactly what i suspected i had when i first compared my symptoms with the diagnostic criteria several months ago. i'm a little embarrassed, BPD seems to be a very tiktok-ified disorder, highly stigmatised and popular amongst the "self-diagnosing crowd. but i'll get through it. i've also been prescribed prozac. never been on any meds before so see how i go... hope i don't get fat.
02/09/26
well a lot can happen in a week, or so it seems. i don't know if it's the meds or if i'm just moving on, but it's like i woke up this morning and i'm over my ex. don't miss him, no nothing. i don't dislike him, there's still a part of me that will always care about him, but i don't love him anymore. i think it was because this morning he posted something on his instagram story… which he NEVER does unless he's trying to impress a girl. i purposefully didn't view it, but i almost got excited… that maybe he posted that because he wanted me to see it. i guess that sounds like i'm not over him, the way i described that, but when you put into perspective how petty i can be sometimes, it's not out of character for me.
UPDATE 06/09: i think i don't want to move on, but i have? maybe that's why these weird feelings are coming up? i don't know, seeing all the halloween decor start to go on sale kind of hurts. i'm wearing his halloween pyjama shirt right now, trying to make it my own. and i keep getting edits of the obsession movie come up on my feed. that sort of reminds me of our relationship a bit. not necessarily that i was obsessed with him, but i felt like i was going crazy in our relationship and he couldn't help. idk. feels weird. i told my friends going through a breakup that things will come in waves, and i think another wave is hitting me now.
UPDATE 07/09: i think i've figured it out? i would never give him another chance, but i still picture us together. i think that's it. i still want to be his crybaby. i've been so tough the last month or so. i just need to cry in someone's arms and his are still the ones i picture.
06/09/26
i swear everyone's breaking up right now. two of my friends who dated for three years broke up yesterday, and i've spent the last 24 hours consoling them both separately, spending time with them in person and talking over text. i want to help them and i have no problem with helping them, but it's so exhausting. i got over my ex by myself - i think i talked to my friends about it once, but only to tell them the facts of what happened, nothing about my feelings. and i haven't brought it up since. i'm content with being by myself, but i feel lonely. and tired. like i'm supporting everyone and not receiving much support in return. i know the support's there, i just feel like i can't ask for it. because four out of my five close friends have each gone through break-ups recently. and you know, some i'm more confdent talking to than others. i don't even feel comfortable burdening my therapist with everything. therapy's such a scam, and i'm saying that as someone who's studying to make this my life profession. it literally doesn't work. the only people that benefit from therapy are WEAK. because if it was a real problem, therapy wouldnt fix it. so if you had to go to therapy to fix said problem - that means you were struggling with a problem that wasn't that bad to begin with. cowardly.
10/09/26
watching clips from the movie obsession is not doing me any good. i miss him. i miss crying in his arms, i miss being able to give up my responsibility and feel my emotions to the fullest extent because i know he'd be there to catch my fall. i feel so numb. my antidepressant have made me so bored and i just want to talk to someone to satiate this boredom. i need a hug. if it didn't go against everything i stand for, i'd probably talk to an AI chatbot right now. just feel so disconnected. my 12 weeks with one of the mental health services i'm engaging with is nearly finished, too. i'm going to miss my clinician, i even looked her up on instagram just to look at her pictures because she's so nice. she's not even that helpful i just like being in her company. i just feel awful.
13/09/26
something's happened and i feel like i'm going downhill again. the first 2 weeks or so on antidepressants felt good - i was relatively happy, exercising, going on walks. the only complaint i had was that i felt bored all the time. but the last few days i've just crashed. i keep sabotaging myself. crying all the time, wanting to be with him. i went on 4chan last night for the first time in my life, just to share this blog with strangers anonymously. i knew it wouldn't be a safe place but i didn't care and was open to criticism - plus, even if i don't share any attitudes or beliefs with the people that use 4chan, i at least admire how bold they are (although that will always happen when you're anonymous and the threads get deleted after a few hours of inactivity). anyways, i shared my poetry. some people were nice, some people were mean. all in all i think i felt better afterwards? but idk. i also think this blog is good for me, because i get to share my thoughts in a place that's "public" but still relatively hidden and anonymous. i think it validates the part of me that wants my struggles to be "seen."
15/09/26
farrkkkk. Big W has halloween pyjamas on sale now and that hurts like a slap in the face. the one's this year aren't as cute - they're orange instead of black and white like last year's ones. I will definitely be wearing his pyjamas once the weather gets a tiny bit warmer. I'm glad i didn't give them back to him. I want to feel comfy and wrap myself in the memory of this time last year.
24/09/26
well i messaged my ex to ask him if he still wanted to go to a concert that we bought tickets for, and that was weird. safe to say i'm over him now because i felt nothing when i talked to him other than disinterest and indifference. i'm also on dating apps now? not looking for anything serious just need the ego boost.
25/09/26
aannnd just like that i hooked up with someone. yay me.
UPDATE 27/09: i'm BPD-ing out so hard lol, i'm infatuated. want him to text me all the time. even paused my dating apps like the afternoon after we hooked up. want to meet up with him again
